I got this article off Twitter: â€œThings Guys Always Lie Aboutâ€. Well, the title should have tipped me off, because when something says â€œAlwaysâ€ or â€œNeverâ€, itâ€™s usually just a thing to draw you in. I guess it works, because, even knowing this, I clicked the link anyway. Predictably, I have issues. Here are my reactions as I read them; I already have issues with the first three.
15) Strippers donâ€™t do anything for me. Wellâ€¦OK, so why would you go see them then? I actually think sheâ€™s got a point on this one. Except, well, strippers really donâ€™t do anything for me. Mostly because, well, you can look but you canâ€™t touch. Ah well. Next?
14) The dreaded question: Does this make me look fat? That this question is on the list at all is totally, completely unfair. As the author rightly points out, we canâ€™t win on this one. Because if it does and we say so, we get in trouble. If it does and we lie, well, weâ€™re lying. If it doesnâ€™t and we say so, weâ€™re suspected of lying. Donâ€™t ask this one. ever. For the record, Iâ€™ll just probably say, â€œHell if I know.â€ So Iâ€™m safe. But still. Donâ€™t ask. Ever.
13) I never view adult web sites. Well, I actually donâ€™t. Would I if I could? Maybe. Do I read the occasional steamy story? Damn skippy! But mostly to laugh at them, although, admittedly, not always.
12) Iâ€™m an integral member of my company. I canâ€™t even bullshit a resume, so the likelihood Iâ€™d try to impress anyone with what I do for a living, or how much sway/importance/clout I have at my place of employ is pretty low. I donâ€™t know how common this really is, but I can tell you right off that itâ€™s not my thing at all.
11) I love you too. See, the biggest problem I have with this kind of article is this right here. They make guys all look like massive dicks. True, some are. Maybe a lot are. Maybe a lot just say that to get into a womanâ€™s panties, or because they want to avoid conflict (and I suspect many if not most women would expect the former more than the latter). But itâ€™s not always so, and Iâ€™m really kind of offended at the assertion that men always lie about this. Itâ€™s another one of those things that we just canâ€™t win on. You know, men supposedly donâ€™t express emotions well. True, some donâ€™t. But if one of us does, heâ€™s lying because, you know, men only want one thing. Right? No. Not right at all. Next?
10) Iâ€™m 6â€™2â€. See, I just donâ€™t understand this one. Lying about your physical appearance, either by adding height or subtracting weight or whatever just seems kinda stupid to me. If you never plan on meeting the person, I guess you can keep up the charade, but if you ever do meet, the jig is up, and youâ€™re exposed for being a schmuck. This is what you do when youâ€™re 14. This is not what you do when youâ€™re a grown up. Itâ€™s also not the exclusive purview of males. Sorry, just sayinâ€™.
9) I swear thatâ€™s the number of people Iâ€™ve been with. Yeah, what she says here. But really, why would you ask that in the first place? What, do you want a list? You wanna compare notes? I donâ€™t get it.
8) Of course I donâ€™t think (of insert your friendâ€™s name) like that. Canâ€™t win, but seriously, first, why are you asking? Are you really that insecure? Also though, I think maybe thereâ€™s a way for him to express that he find someone else attractive, but that doesnâ€™t mean he’s going to A) do something about that, or B) that it really matters anyway, because heâ€™s with you and not the person about whom youâ€™re inquiring. Well, unless he is, but then youâ€™ve got bigger problems.
7) I have so many interests. Again, offensive to the max. Are you saying that men are just super one-dimensional beings who just are interested in TV and farting? Maybe some are, but some arenâ€™t. It will become pretty clear whether a guyâ€™s interests go beyond TV and farting, but to assume heâ€™s lying if he says that they do is kind of crappy on your part. Why bother then? Now excuse me, because thereâ€™s this TV show I need to watch. Oh man, that was a good one. I wonder what would happen if I lit it?
6) I swear Iâ€™m 23. Yep. Not just limited to the guys. Iâ€™m just a freak of nature I guess, because I have no problem with my age. Hell, I worked hard to get here, and I earned every year, every gray hair, all of it. Would I want to be young again? Hell no! I already did that once. It was a pain in the ass some waysâ€¦why repeat it?
5) Oh honey, Iâ€™m huge. Umm. Why? Seriously, itâ€™s like the height thing. And thatâ€™s all Iâ€™ve got to say about that.
4) Nothingâ€™s wrong, Iâ€™m fine. Again, not exclusive to the guys. Iâ€™ve been on the receiving end of that a time or two in my life, as well as being on the other end. Sometimes, though, it isnâ€™t that we donâ€™t want to talk about it, itâ€™s just that right then isnâ€™t a great time. Sometimes I really donâ€™t know whatâ€™s wrong, or how to express it, or especially how to express it in 25 words or less. Maybe we should all learn to say â€œIâ€™ll talk to you about it laterâ€, â€œNow isnâ€™t a great timeâ€, â€œI really donâ€™t knowâ€, or something more appropriate? But this really isnâ€™t just the guys, and we all know that 68.5% of statistics are made-up on the spot anyway.
3) I canâ€™t wait to visit your parents this weekend. I really canâ€™t imagine saying this. That is all.
2) I love working out. Umm. Yeah. And also sitting on the sofa with the TV and farting. Yes. Well. Which is it? The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. Or theâ€¦whatever it is that people eat that isnâ€™t pudding. I was about to say, â€œWhat, are we 15?â€, but I know that there awesome women who emphatically would answer â€œYes!â€ to this question.
1) Weâ€™ll talk about it later. See the one a couple of paragraphs ago. So maybe some people would say that this is tied to that. The thing is, if I say â€œWeâ€™ll talk about it laterâ€, I probably mean that at the time. â€œLaterâ€ may just not come because Iâ€™ll forget. I have a pretty short attention span. But if I say â€œLaterâ€, I, at least, generally mean that and not â€œScrew you, go away, I donâ€™t want to talk about it.â€ If I donâ€™t want to talk about something, Iâ€™ll generally say that.
Iâ€™d like to see the companion â€œThings Women Always Lie Aboutâ€ piece.