How Not To Respond To a Recruiting Email

I just received an email from somewhere I once applied for a job. Sure, it was, admittedly, a crappy job, but it would have been a job anyway, and those aren’t very plentiful, certainly not in a depressed city like the one in which I live.

When last I talked to this company, they asked me to come in to fill out an application…or interview…or check out the operation…I forget exactly, but something caused me to mention that I would need an accommodation. This led to mentioning that I could happily provide my own, negating the need for the “you’re too expensive” argument. I got put on hold. When the agent came back, I think her name was Jessica, she unsurprisingly told me that, due to the sensitive nature of their data, any software such as that which i would require would pose a “security risk”, and so, unfortunately, she was sorry, but they couldn’t help me.

This stance didn’t stop them from sending me this email:

Dear Clyde,

I have good news! DialAmerica is growing, especially in our Erie office, and we’d like to invite you to apply again.

We have both full and part time positions available and offer:

A variety of daytime, evening and weekend schedules to help balance your work/life needs
Rapid advancement opportunities – we promote from within
Guaranteed salary plus incentives
Paid on-the-job training and weekly pay checks with direct deposit
A great family atmosphere, committed to your success

If you are conversational, articulate, engaging and have a positive attitude, please give us a call. And students, now is the perfect time to lock in your summer job.

Please click on the link below to apply online or call our recruiting team for more information.
Apply Here: http://dial.am/ROM5

Regards,

DialAmerica Recruiting Team
DialCareersErie@dialamerica.com
814-835-8194

DialAmerica – Where YOU Make the Difference!

Click here to unsubscribe from future emails.

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTE:

This e-mail message may contain confidential information that is intended only for the named recipient(s) above. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail or its attachments is strictly prohibited. If you received this e-mail in error, please immediately notify the sender by replying to this e-mail and deleting the message and any attachments from your system.

I didn’t unsubscribe from their email list, and maybe I should. I only just now noticed the confidentiality notice at the bottom, which, as we all know, is a ludicrous thing to put on any email anyway.

I’m pretty sure that the following will end up in a black hole and no one will actually see it, but what I replied back to them, below, is a classic example of how not to handle this kind of situation. I knew this when I sent it. In my defense, I somehow can’t manage to care about what this company thinks of me, and it seems likely there’s no actual bridge for me to burn. And anyway, I’m pretty sure that you wish you could, or would, or had, written something like this yourself. Right?

Huh. I’m not even sure why you’re emailing me, considering last time I called to enquire, your recruiting person actually told me that you couldn’t accommodate my disability. Specifically, and in my opinion incorrectly, that any screen reading software I would need to perform my job functions would pose “a security risk”. Considering that places like the Social Security Administration, Verizon, Internet service providers, the VA, and others who handle lots of sensitive data, use such software daily and widely, this sounds like a discriminatory and illegal stance to me. Kind of a shame I didn’t ask for this verdict in writing. Care to reconsider?

I’m sure you know exactly why this is the worst way to respond.

I still kinda feel better.

Just got this Email, merry Christmas!

Got this the other day and it was too good not to share.

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

………………………………..
Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

……………………………………

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones

……………………………………….

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

…………………………………..

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

……………………………………

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
……………………………..

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

……………………………..

Timmy,

That’s what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa —